Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[bluc]

:laughing-rolling:

[Teddysad]

It is great for the world that China does not have a cricket team




Look at what they have achieved with only one bat

[bluc]

:laughing-rolling:

[The Stig]

A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints
about their ailments.
"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to
pour my coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad.
We should be thankful that we can still drive."

[LikkerSheWillLoveIt]

That’s only funny because it’s true

[Teddysad]

My neighbour suggested I put horse manure on my rhubarb.



I think I still prefer custard

[howard]

i just failed my ventriloquist exam.

i can't say I'm surprised

[EziTasting]

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[Redux]

56D08B09-9FC8-4762-8515-DA033DA9987A.jpeg

given half a chance id catch more than corona from her....

[The Stig]

A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.

“Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one. “Sorry, I’m running late… I just didn’t have the time to get you a present.”

“No worries,” said Dad. “The important thing is that we’re all together.”

Son number two arrived and announced, “Just flew in from L.A. and didn’t have time to get you anything… I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father, “just glad you could be here today.”

The daughter arrived. “Happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but I’ve been out of town and didn’t bring a present.”

Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”

Later, during dinner, the father put down his fork, looked up and said, “Listen, you three, there’s something your mother and I need to tell you. We came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise you and send you to college. But we never got around to getting married.”

The three kids gasped and said, in unison, “You mean we’re BASTARDS?”

“Yep,” said the dad. “And cheap ones, too!”

[warramungas]

A bloke got a minor part in a play.
He had one line which was 'Hark, I hear the cannons boom!'
So for weeks before openeing night he practiced the line.
In the shower "Hark, I hear the cannons boom!"
Walking to work. "Hark, I hear the cannons boom!"
At the shops. "Hark, I hear the cannons boom!"

Come opening night he was on stage in full costume waiting to say his line when the cannons went off.
He lept 6 feet in the air and exclaimed "What the f*ck was that!!!"

[The Stig]

As Jack was marrying Jill, his father gave him some advice “Son, when I got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was strip her naked, take off my pants... : Then, I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did. They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' ...Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."Jack took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Jack. “Try these on,” she said. Jack went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Jack.“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!"

[The Stig]

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn't even know.When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy it.'Then he passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone.I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear. Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life. . . . . . . . . . . .The dead bastard had a twin

[warramungas]

Two old blokes sitting on a porch in their rocking chairs.
A funeral procession passes slowly by past them.

One of the old fellas doffs his cap.
The other fella remarked 'Geez Bob. Thats right decent of ya.'
Bob replied "Well seems like the right thing to do. I was married to her for 63 years."

[iOnaBender]

I took my Dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange, and blue.

My Dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my Dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked: “What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid …………

“Got stoned once and fucked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my daughter."

Cheers

[The Stig]

A nurse at the ICU noticed a patient trying to say something through his oxygen mask. : Nurse: Sorry, what was that again?Patient: Are my testicles black?Nurse : Excuse me?Patient : Are my testicles black?The nurse was quite young and beautiful,and was used to getting hit on by patients. But seeing the state the poor man was in, she decided to check on his testicles. She spent a full minute examining his testicles and told the man" Sir your testicles are not black and are perfectly fine".The patient takes of his mask, smiles and replies"Thats all well and good, but are my test results back? ".

[The Stig]

When I took the entrance exam for medical school, I was perplexed by this question:

"Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect."

Those who spelled SPINE became doctors.

The rest are in Parliament.

[EziTasting]

:laughing-rolling:

[EziTasting]

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[The Stig]

A young lady starts a new job as a cashier in an adult novelties store. : The boss gives her the run through "We have white dildos for $10 and bigger black dildos for $20. Got it?" She says she does, and he leaves. Her first customer comes in and the new clerk explains the options available. She chooses the white model, pays and leaves. The second customer wanders in. The clerk goes over the options with her, she purchases the black model and is on her way. Her third customer, a little old Polish lady, comes in some time later. The clerk describes both options, but the new customer asks "How much for the big red one on the wall?" The clerk gently explains the difference between the white and black models, but the customer is adamant about the big red one. When the customer offers the clerk $100, she accepts it. The boss eventually returns and asks how the day went. The clerk replies "Good! I sold a white dildo for $10, a black dildo for $20 and your fire extinguisher for $100!"