Jokes, Time for a laugh.

[EziTasting]

You guys are a little slo! :teasing-tease:

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

[bluc]

Lmfao

[EziTasting]

589402BF-B46D-41DB-9B76-26FB4914BE15.jpeg

[wynnum1]

You guys are a little slo! :teasing-tease:

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

Special High Intensity Training Canberra University Netball Team.

[fishfingers]

A priest stands up at the front of his church before his followers and says
Today we will be talking and learning about the evils of drinking.
Right up the back of the church is an old drunken hobo that hears this and sits up.
The priest starts of by telling everyone that alcohol is poison and was made for sinners by the devil.
The hobo is now listening intently.
The priest produces two clear glasses of the same size and says
In this first glass I have poured the devils drink, alcohol, vodka.
In this second glass I have poured plain water.
He then out of his pocket pulls out an ordinary garden worm.
He holds up the worm and says this beautiful creature of God will show you all the evils of drinking.
He dips the worm in and out of the plain water four or five times and shows everyone, The worm is still alive.
He then dunks the worm into the vodka and pulls it out and shows everyone, The worm is dead.
Can anyone tell me please What good can come from drinking this devils drink?
The hobo thinks for a second and then shouts out
If you drink alcohol you wont get worms!

[Doubleuj]

How to give a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call mrs from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get mrs to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get mrs to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to mrs forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Get mrs to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in bacon.

[EziTasting]

:D suppositories are the way to go with cats!

[Sam.]

:D suppositories are the way to go with cats!

Or high velocity lead health tablets ;-)

[EziTasting]

:D suppositories are the way to go with cats!

Or high velocity lead health tablets ;-)

:handgestures-thumbupleft:

I have always maintained that cats are good for 2.5 things!
Crab bait, moving targets and more recently (half a vote) for funny vids where they are exploited to make us laugh!!!

Disclaimer: I, in no way, implied nor suggest, hurting/torturing any animals for any reason!

[RuddyCrazy]

3.5 things as they also make great shark bait, just cast the feline out attached to a balloon and it will try and tread water until the cows come home. The shark comes up to see a tasty snack while the fisherman takes several hours to bring the shark in.

[Tesla101]

Sorry guys, I don't want to be the fun police :law-policered: but can we please refrain from any "jokes" that may suggest cruelty to animals?

I love a good joke as much as I love a good drop, but as an animal lover and rescuer I don't find the above posts funny at all.

Hope you all understand...

[Sam.]

Sorry guys, I don't want to be the fun police :law-policered: but can we please refrain from any "jokes" that may suggest cruelty to animals?

I love a good joke as much as I love a good drop, but as an animal lover and rescuer I don't find the above posts funny at all.

Hope you all understand...

All good mate, only said in jest :handgestures-thumbupleft:

[The Stig]

A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch:
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud. “Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”
The parrot says. “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.”
“Holy cow.” The guy replies. “You actually understood and answered me!”
“I got every word.” Says The the parrot. “I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird.”
“Oh yeah?” The guy asks. “Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?”
“Well.” The parrot says.
“This is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it, because of my feathers.”
“Wow.” Says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can’t you?”
“Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I’d be a great companion.”
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
“Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.”
“Pssssssst.” says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!”
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humour, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes.
“Psssssssssst’ and motions him over with one wing. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the UPS man.”
“What are you talking about,?” Asks the guy.
“When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.”
“WHAT???” The guy asks incredulously.
“THEN what happened?”
“Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over.” Reported the parrot.
“NO!” He exclaims. “And she let him?”
“Yes.”
“Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.”
Then the frantic guy demands. “THEN WHAT HAPPENED?”
“I DUNNO. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch.”

[dans.brew]

Nice one stig! :laughing-rolling:
Not the ending i thought was coming.

[Doubleuj]

:laughing-rolling:

[The Stig]

A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Brisbane and sees card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the girl behind the desk.
The Job Centre Assistant sorts through her files and replies...
"Oh, yes, here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist."
"You have to help the ladies out of their clothes and underwear, lie them down and gently wash their nether regions.. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."
"There's a starting annual salary of $85,000,.....................but you're going to have to go to Perth"
"Oh, why? Is that where the job is?" he asks.
"No," replied the assistant, "That's where the end of the queue is."

[bluc]

:laughing-rolling:

[RC Al]

:)) much better

[mattyb]

Just got out of surgery..... had a mole removed from my dick. Doctor reckons next time he is calling the RSPCA.........

[The Stig]

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the tiles. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Feck it!Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried."What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" Paddy shouts.To which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy".Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You bloody eegit Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"....................